Why is it that I can freeform babble for hours about my (or anyone else's) creative endeavors, offering any number of critical arguments, for and against, with unbridled passion, but when instructed to write an artist's statement I become an inarticulate, drooling, and bull-headed mouth-breather physically incapable of effective communication, who would rather let syphlitic raccoons chew my face off than suffer the agony of picking up a freaking pencil?

What the hell gives?

"Write an artist's statement" becomes "Sum up your life, all of your loves, hates and influences; EVERYTHING that makes you and what you do relevant as a human being in about a page and a half or less, and don't get too wordy,'cause nobody likes that... And while your at it, would you mind letting those syphlitic raccoons have a knosh on you mug?

If you really give a damn (even a little one) about my art and wanna know the how or why of it, just ask me (or hold still long enough and I'll just start telling you). But for crying out loud, PUH-LEEEEZ don't make me try to put it on paper... In words...
Please?
I mean it, this is not even remotely funny.